April 5, 2017

Standing in line..

"Barry Manilow came out as gay today."

"That's weird. Cheech Marin came out as Mexican yesterday. Wow. You just never know."

"Nothing's for sure in life, that's for sure."

"How can that be 'for sure' if nothing's for sure?"

"I'm not sure."

"May I help you?"

"What? Oh yeah, sorry, guy behind me's spoutin' gibberish. I'd like a chili cheese burrito."

"Oh, uh..we don't carry that anymore."

"Yeah, but you could make it."

"Well, we uh, that's not available now."

"You have chili, right?"

"Uh, yeah."

"You have cheese?"

"Yeah."

"You have tortillas?"

"Yeah."

"Well, can you take a tortilla, put some chili in it, sprinkle some cheese in it, roll it up and hand it to me?"

"That's uh, it's not on our menu."

"I know that. I'm asking you to step outside the bun and make it for me anyway."

"I wouldn't know how to ring it up."

"Wow, that lower lip really hangs when you're confused, eh? Ok, forget it. Can I get a dick cheese burrito?"

"What?"

"You gotta dick, don'tcha? It makes cheese don't it? Well, can ya whip outcher dick, make some cheese, wrap it in a burrito and serve it to me?"

"Uh.."

"Yeah, you'd be willing to make that for me, wouldn'tcha, snowflake?"

"Sir.."

"I'm kidding! Come on, I'm just fuckin' with ya. Dude, your generation is a bore. You wanna hit of Gorilla Glue #4 from my vape pen?"

"Sir, can I take your order?"

"Sure!"

"No no, he's behind me, he has to wait. Ok, ok. I'll have a Bell Beefer."

"We don't.."

"Come on! I used to live on those as a kid! Ya take a hamburger bun, hold it under your sphincter, drop a splat o' butt mud on it and serve it up fresh. Come on, you WORK at Taco Bell, you MUST have a terminal case of the Hershey squirts. Punch one out, Guacko!"

"Sir.."

"Don't you deny me my ass splatter!"

"Would you like me to call the police?"

"Sure!"

Copyright © 2017 John Bizarre


April 11, 2017

"So, I don't get it. Are we fighting ISIS or Assad?"

"Both."

"But aren't they fighting each other?"

"Yes."

"But what about the enemy of my enemy is my friend?"

"In this case it's the enemy of both my enemies is both my enemy and my friend."

"Who wins in that scenario?"

"Raytheon, Boeing, Lockhead Martin, Northrop Grumman, General Dynamics.."

"Wait..why are we in Syria in the first place?"

"Some think it's a multitrillion dollar pipeline but I don't know."

"What?"

"Remember at the beginning of the century when the neocons were unable to cut a deal with the taliban for that pipeline from Turkmenistan through Afghanistan? Then a plan was hatched to invade the country, build the pipeline anyway, set up military bases to protect it and have American taxpayers fund it?"

"Uh...what?"

"And remember in 2003 when the neocons invented WMD evidence as an excuse to invade Iraq, dismantle its government, reignite ethnic and religious rivalries and send the population back to the stone age so that western energy companies could seize control of the fourth largest oil reserve in the world?"

"Yeah, I did hear something about that."

"Well, now you have neocons wrestling power from more nationalist forces within the trump administration hoping to make an accident look like a deliberate policy of the Syrian government. Ex-CIA operatives with contacts on the ground in Syria as well as the foreign ministers of Russia and Syria have all submitted that what happened last week was completely unintentional. The Syrian army had bombed an ISIS-controled warehouse in Idlib province not knowing it contained chemical weapons being manufactured by ISIS for delivery to Iraq. The bombing caused a release of the poison that then blanketed the surrounding area. The neocons in the trump administration jumped at the chance to convince an easily manipulated commander in chief that Assad had used chemical weapons on his own people, killing women and children, and that it was the perfect time to divert all the chatter about trump's list of domestic failures during his first few months, and instead make him look strongly presidential by ordering 59 tomahawk cruise missiles to be dropped onto a Syrian army base."

"But what does that have to do with a pipeline?"

"Oh yeah. I forgot. Again, I don't put much stock in this one but the story goes that Qatar has a multitrillion dollar reserve of natural gas and it's looking for a more direct line to the European market which is mostly dominated by Russian energy companies, and to get it there, geographically, they need to lay a pipeline right through Syria and into Turkey. It's a pipeline that would mean hundreds of billions of dollars to companies like Halliburton and Exxon. So these western energy corporations have managed to have their neocon lobbyists push obama, and now trump, into creating complete chaos in that country to secure a swatch of land safe enough to lay that pipe."

"But you're not buying that?"

"Nah, the Black Sea Energy conference sort of put that to rest in 2011. The whole Syria mess is really more about the deals put in place by the bush family during the cheney administration, military deals with Turkey, Qatar and Saudi Arabia, the Sunni front. The U.S. military is expected to maintain a strong presence in the region with permanent bases and a quiet and constant flow of arms to any groups that can be marketed as "moderate rebels", creating an ever-present state of chaos throughout the Middle East so that countries friendly with Russia and Iran remain unable to pull their shit together."

"So, all of this murder and destruction and refugees is about western countries securing nonrenewable energy resources and showing aggressive military dominance for the 21st century?"

"And making trillions of dollars for corporate oligarchs in the process, yes."

"So, what's to be done?"

"Just bend over and take it in the poop chute."

"What?"

"I'm kidding, no, actually..civil disobedience in opposition to corporate capitalism, democracy in the work place by replacing the economic system with socialist reform (meaning people before profits in every decision), worker-owned cooperatives, sustainable farming, renewable energy production..that kind of thing. It's grass roots stuff. You have to get involved."

"Damn it."

"I know."

Copyright © 2017 John Bizarre