johnbizarre.com

July 20, 2010

While the 10th Amendment Foundation, the Tea parties, and other alternative political movements have correctly identified the present two-party junta that controls Washington DC as an inherently corrupt oligarchy funded and governed by corporate lobbyists, they lack the essential element for a successful revolution - an overall organizing principle.

That organizing principle has been beautifully summarized by Tom Woods in his book Nullification:

"Nullification begins with the axiomatic point that a federal law that violates the Constitution is no law at all. It is void and of no effect. Nullification simply pushes this uncontroversial point a step further: if a law is unconstitutional and therefore void and of no effect, it is up to the states, the parties to the federal compact, to declare it so and thus refuse to enforce it."

The federal government does not have exclusive jurisdiction over interpretations of the Constitution. Realistically, the Constitution is just a piece of paper, and in order for it to be effective, the freedoms it declares need to be exercised by the people. 

A citizenry that controls its own state legislature is a citizenry that determines its own destiny and is ultimately not subject to the tyranny of a criminal federal government. 

This is a powerful truth and needs to be hammered into the subconscious minds of the American people. An excellent example of this truth is the rise of medical marijuana. The wholesale and retail sale of marijuana is a federal crime, but 14 states have legalized access to the drug, enabling anyone with a doctor's note to walk into a distribution center, put some money in a vending machine, and walk out with a bag of weed.

That's 14 U.S. states saying to the federal government, "You know what? This law is ridiculous and unconstitutional and we're not going to obey it, so fuck off."

It's important to understand the force of that sovereignty because it can be applied to every other immoral and unconstitutional bill passed by the vultures who lurk the halls of Congress, including (but certainly not limited to) the bailing out of banks, the Patriot Act, the Military Commissions Act, and the deliberate destruction of America's wealth through decades of deficit spending.

By simply ignoring the bogus claims of authority by the federal government, and by cutting off its funding, the 50 U.S. states can begin to reinvigorate their own local economies and return self-determination to their citizenry. For instance, by recognizing only those regulations that favor and empower local businesses, each state can encourage the return of domestic manufacturing to every small town in this country, which will dramatically reduce our dependence on foreign imports and create free market industries along with millions of jobs.

The Federal Reserve, the World Bank and the IMF appear to be in collusion, hell-bent on enslaving America by eventually invalidating the U.S. dollar in favor of a single global currency. If the 50 states agreed to legalize competing currencies within the United States, currencies that directly challenge the validity of the Federal Reserve system, the American people could successfully insulate themselves from the approaching financial apocalypse. 

The organizing principle that can rescue America is the understanding that the federal government only has the power that each individual state assigns it, and no more. 

Copyright 2010 John Bizarre    

July 15, 2010

Lady GaGa

c/o Interscope Records

Santa Monica, Ca

Dear Lady GaGa,

I recently read in Rolling Stone that you have completed your third album and that you find the writing process effortless - "It came so quickly. I've been working on it for months, and I feel very strongly that it's finished right now. Some artists take years. I don't. I write music every day."

To truly understand the genius of your effortless artistic creations, I decided to revisit lyrics from some of your biggest hits..

..like Love Games:

"Let's have some fun, this beat is sick, 

I wanna take a ride on your disco stick.

Don't think too much, just bust that thick,

I wanna take a ride on your disco stick."

Yes, it's hard to believe you were able to write that in less than a year. And how 'bout..

..Poker Face:

"I won't tell you that I love you,

kiss you or hug you, 

'cause I'm bluffin' with my muffin.

I'm not lyin', I'm just stunnin' with my love-glue-gunnin'."

Yeah. Not exactly All Along The Watchtower, is it? Ah, well. I guess it's our loss that musicians from previous decades had not applied your demanding lyrical standards to their artistic endeavors. How blessed we would have been if Paul Simon had forgone all his penetrating explorations of fear and isolation in songs like I Am A Rock and instead just told us about waking up with jizz all over his face after a long night of riding one too many disco sticks. 

By the way, I just paid a visit to your website and noticed you've been tweeting a lot. I can't read them because my tweeter is broken. But my woofer is just fine. Do you ever send out woofs? Or is it "wooves"? Anyway, woof me if you get a chance. I love getting woofed. 

Isn't it weird that there are more pet stores called Woofers and Tweeters than electronics stores?

Hey, you're a pop icon so you may know the answer to this. Why do so many young women wear pink sweatpants that have the word "juicy" written across the butt? Who finds that appealing? Who's thinking, Wow, check out that fanny. Sure looks juicy. 'Pardon me, Ma'am. Would you squeeze me out a cup of that ass juice? Do you have pulp-free?'

Anyway, Ms. Ga, were it not for your enlightening investigations into the nuances of interpersonal relationships I would still believe that poor communication, immaturity, and an unwillingness to accept responsibility were the root causes of my failures in previous romances. Thanks to your insight I now realize that them bitches was jus' bluffin' wit der muffins and stunnin' wit der love-glues-gunnin'.

Exactly how many pages of Madonna's Style over Substance handbook do you intend to plagiarize, you fucking hack?

Sweetening my bottomless cup of ass juice I remain,

your most humble and obedient servant,

John Bizarre

Copyright 2010 John Bizarre

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June 24, 2010

Final Humorist Erect

Every salivating, ass-hungry ditch pig who trolls the bleak, heavily weeded industrial parks of "reality television" eventually lands on this leaking bag of vomit, this bleeding, headless baby, this cynical, stupefying parade of embarrassment where one eleventh-hour interloper after another gurgles up yawning cliches, clumsy puns, and posturing cynicism, desperately grasping for nationally televised validation from millions of couch-warming, talentless rabble who deflect thoughts of their own artistic deficiencies with the cheap and easy expectorant of ridicule.  

One particularly egregious element of this shameless whorefest is the willingness of the contestants to engage in a taped evaluation at the Alter of Jocularity, a chuckling clergy of "humor magistrates" delivering subjective judgments from high atop Mount Comedy, pompously dropping Eucharists of Wit and Wisdom onto the tongues of the comedically less fortunate.

It's enough to make you want to dig the eardrums out of your own skull with the cunt end of a grapefruit spoon. 

The insidious popularization of celebrity worship has created a nation filled with wretched attention scavengers who accept any level of humiliation for a few moments of screen time, like neglected children who can't be dragged away from the electronics store once they discover they're peering back at themselves through the in-house video system. Our entire population seems to have been transformed into a snarling, ravenous wolf pack, snapping and clawing at an empty bag of Snausages. 

Watching the distinctive and magical art of stand-up comedy dragged through the shit-soaked back streets of reality TV and then viciously gutted as though it were a pregnant woman being attacked by cannibals is like swallowing a mouthful of warm piss. 

Or maybe I'm just a cranky old fuck who doesn't like television.

Yeah, that's probably it.

Copyright 2010 John Bizarre

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June 14, 2010

IRAN

Television continues to retain its crown as the premier implementation device for manufactured consent. The blunt tools of manipulation employed by the regimes in North Korea and Burma are only effective on an already weakened population. Technologically advanced societies require a more subtle approach to mind control, such as television's masterful use of persuasive talking heads who deliver emotionally potent oversimplifications of complex issues, a service cheerfully provided by corporate myth-makers intent on keeping the average American on course, and in line, and locked into the soulless electronic matrix that has replaced the reality of his own life. 

The events of September 11, 2001 illustrated conclusively that the zeitgeist of the United States can be easily herded in any desired direction. Even while the attack was still unfolding, the national media machine reported any and all government press releases as though they were facts, accepting one bogus piece of information after another, producing a readymade antagonist for a war that had already been planned but not yet formally presented to the American people.

Many forget that in JUNE of 2001 the Indian government announced that it would support the upcoming "limited military action" against the Taliban in Afghanistan by the United States and Russia, an effort also supported at the time by Pakistan, Tajikistan and Uzbekistan. MSNBC had reported that President Bush was expected to sign detailed plans for a worldwide war against al-Qaida on or around September 9, 2001. Former Foreign Secretary of Pakistan, Naiz Naik, told the BBC that he had been informed by senior American officials in JULY 2001 that military action against Afghanistan would begin by mid October.

The assertion that the Afghanistan war was prompted by 9/11 ignores the facts. And the idea that we have to "fight them over there so we don't have to fight them here" is ludicrous, as though al-Qaida fighters are so relentlessly engaged in battle that they've been unable to put their guns down long enough  to book a flight on Orbitz. Al-Qaida has had 9 years to fly every one of their fighters into Mexico City, march them across the wide open southern U.S. border, and unleash a new era of absolute chaos across the United States. 

It's the simplest and most obvious plan of attack imaginable, but they haven't even tried it.

Why do you think that is? 

War on Terror was a cleverly fabricated catch phrase designed to point fingers in a general direction. Terrorism is a violent form of dissent. It's a tactic, and it's a tactic that any human being can apply. So when you declare war on a tactic, you have declared a war that can never be won.

And that's the point. An event like 9/11 generates a strong sense of nationalism that justifies the mobilization of the military industrial complex, an industry that thrives on endless war. Anyone expressing reservations about that mobilization can be dismissed as unpatriotic. And once you have declared a war on a tactic, in this case terrorism, you can begin to redefine what that word means. This is what the Patriot Act and the Military Commissions Act were all about - redefining the word terrorist so that it can eventually be loosely applied to any form of dissent. 

The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan have never been about terrorism or humanitarianism. They are both geopolitical chess pieces in a battle with Iran for the energy resources under the Caspian Sea, a body of water harboring over five trillion dollars worth of proven oil reserves as well as over three hundred trillion cubic feet of natural gas. The Caspian Sea is the future of energy for the 21st century and the Iranian leadership has, for many years, claimed ownership of up to 20% of its territorial and treaty rights. 

A quick glance at a map of the middle east shows Iraq and Afghanistan to be strategically perfect locations to set up military bases for an invasion of Iran. Western fear mongering about the nuclear threat from Iran is a calculated campaign of indoctrination, creating a perceived truth by repeating a lie over a long period of time.

The world is about to witness a false flag operation of an unprecedented magnitude - a chemical, biological or nuclear attack on either Israel or the United States that will be blamed on Iran and used as an excuse to dismantle its sovereignty.   

The resulting war and subsequent consolidation of global resources will mark the beginning of the end of human liberty.

Copyright 2010 John Bizarre 

May 22, 2010

"Sir?"

"Don't you sir me. How dare you interrupt me while I'm polishing the family jewels!"

"Forgive the intrusion, sir. I had been given to understand that their daily buffing would normally take place in the early morning hours."

"Well...they...lost their sheen at some point this afternoon." 

"Very good, sir."

"What is it then? Why are you bothering me?"

"Only to inform you that your guests are anxiously awaiting the arrival of the 'birthday boy'."

"Oh, Jeffrey, I can't face them. Wouldn't it be alright if I just sat here whacking off to Soul Train reruns until they've all left?"

"It would be considered in extraordinarily bad form, sir."

"I suppose. Blast. Well, couldn't you tell them that I've died?"

"The resulting celebration would undoubtedly last even longer, sir."

"That's true too."

"If I might propose a course of action, sir?"

"Yes yes, do, Jeffrey, do."

"I believe if one were to, as the western American phrase goes, bite the bullet and briefly adhere to a few conventions of civility, all one's social obligations would be quickly fulfilled, and the resumption of jewel polishing could resume undisturbed." 

"Well, it certainly sounds less harrowing when you say it. All right then, which social obligations require fulfilling?"

"As I recall, sir, a large cylindrical pastry item will be set ablaze and you will be asked to place your face directly in harm's way to extinguish the flames by expelling the very air that keeps you alive and made your day of birth possible in the first place."

"Why, that's ghastly!"

"Indeed, sir."

"What a barbaric ritual. All right, what else?"

"I fancy you may have to endure a rendition of..that dreadful song, sir."

"No!"

"Unavoidable, sir."

"I've never understood the lyrics to that particular ditty, Jeffrey. Why the constant repetition of the phrase TO YOU? Happy birthday TO YOU, happy birthday TO YOU, as though the guest of honor were in danger of forgetting whose birthday it is."

"That is curious. Ahem, so shall we begin to move in the direction of your destiny, sir?"  

"Did you just ahem me, Jeffrey?"

"I did, sir, but only as a time signature toward the inevitable."

"Right, right. Well, let's be off then."

"Pants, sir?"

"Pants too? How many of these blasted social obligations are there?"

"They do seem to be mounting, sir."

"Couldn't I just allow my ball sack to swing freely, countering the objections by placing it on a serving tray and offering it up as a savory?"

"I would advise against it, sir."

"But can't you picture it? 'Quick bite of ballage, Mrs. Hampton?'" 

"I'm sure we will all mourn the absence of that charming encounter. Oh, you did receive a card in the post today, sir. I believe it to be from the gentlemen at the boating club."

"Thank you, Jeffrey. Let's see...'Happy Birthday, you wrinkled old cock.'"

"Delightful."

"Hmmm.."

"Sir?"

"Well, how could those blighters at the boat house possibly have known about the relaxed swatch of epidermis surrounding my manhood?"

"Don't you generally use it as a flag when entering the marina, sir?"

"Yes yes, of course. That must be it. Ah, Jeffrey, I...I just can't believe it."

"What's that, sir?"

"I'm 50 years old."

"Yes, sir."

"That's half a century!"

"Best not to think of it that way, sir. Instead, think of it as one twentieth of a millennium."

"Really?"

"Yes, sir. Nineteen more of these and you'll be a thousand years old."

"Jeffrey?"

"Sir?"

"Would you bring me a loaded revolver, please?"

"Presently, sir. In the meantime, shall we..?"

"Yes yes, all right. Em..Jeffrey.." 

"Sir?"

"You don't think I'm a wrinkled old cock, do you?"

"It wouldn't be my choice of characterizations, sir."

"But what of its accuracy?"

"To borrow a phrase from your nautical chums at the boating club, these may be waters into which one should avoid plunging an oar, sir."

"Jeffrey?"

"Sir?"

"Fuck you."

"Very good, sir."

Copyright 2010 John Bizarre